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On mothers and daughters:



While skimming through some interview data of women who ended up in toxic or abusive relationships and ultimately divorce an interesting finding was that all six women had one thing common in them. All of them had a weak connection with their moms. These moms were full time moms. None of them were going 'out' for work. Another interesting finding was that all interviewees with the exception of one lived in an isolated nuclear family setup. 
All six women also complained of an 'emotional unavailability' from their mothers. Upon a thorough investigation of the data it was easy to detect a similar 'lack of self respect' in each mother as a consequence of an isolated set up in some cases, middle class financial constraints in others and pseudo religious beliefs in almost all of them.
This got me wondering about so many of my generation born in the eighties. All of us are quite vocal in the criticism of how our parents bought us up but are prone to making the same mistakes as we tend to focus more on what's wrong than what was and still is right.
Changing the focus helps. 
Emotional unavailability is one of the most significant factors we now need to avoid. Most moms I know suffer from a daily dose of anxiety which sometimes hinders their emotional availability for their children.
The pressure and worry of doing the right thing and raising them right gets bigger than actually doing it right. Which is actually very little.
A significant booster I use for myself when stress or anxiety come looking is that I try pausing. Pause and listen. Pause and think. Pause and let go of the extra and focus on the main issue. These pauses and low tone (it can still be stern though :) ) helps in stopping the anxiety form passing over to the kids and in dealing with the kids issues.
Not only do these pauses help in understanding but they also help the brain from overworking itself. 
Relegating responsibility is another tactic that helps me deal with kids in a busy day. The kids get to solve the issue themselves and the one who helps in solving it most justly gets an emotional reward which is extremely important for a child's self esteem.

Love your daughters moms. They are the gems you need to polish.


Saima Sher Fazal



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