Skip to main content

On mothers and daughters:



While skimming through some interview data of women who ended up in toxic or abusive relationships and ultimately divorce an interesting finding was that all six women had one thing common in them. All of them had a weak connection with their moms. These moms were full time moms. None of them were going 'out' for work. Another interesting finding was that all interviewees with the exception of one lived in an isolated nuclear family setup. 
All six women also complained of an 'emotional unavailability' from their mothers. Upon a thorough investigation of the data it was easy to detect a similar 'lack of self respect' in each mother as a consequence of an isolated set up in some cases, middle class financial constraints in others and pseudo religious beliefs in almost all of them.
This got me wondering about so many of my generation born in the eighties. All of us are quite vocal in the criticism of how our parents bought us up but are prone to making the same mistakes as we tend to focus more on what's wrong than what was and still is right.
Changing the focus helps. 
Emotional unavailability is one of the most significant factors we now need to avoid. Most moms I know suffer from a daily dose of anxiety which sometimes hinders their emotional availability for their children.
The pressure and worry of doing the right thing and raising them right gets bigger than actually doing it right. Which is actually very little.
A significant booster I use for myself when stress or anxiety come looking is that I try pausing. Pause and listen. Pause and think. Pause and let go of the extra and focus on the main issue. These pauses and low tone (it can still be stern though :) ) helps in stopping the anxiety form passing over to the kids and in dealing with the kids issues.
Not only do these pauses help in understanding but they also help the brain from overworking itself. 
Relegating responsibility is another tactic that helps me deal with kids in a busy day. The kids get to solve the issue themselves and the one who helps in solving it most justly gets an emotional reward which is extremely important for a child's self esteem.

Love your daughters moms. They are the gems you need to polish.


Saima Sher Fazal



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The truth unveiled!

VALENTINE’S DAY The truth unveiled 'Every deen has an innate character. The character of Islam is modesty.' Al Muwatta 47.9 HOW IT STARTED: Like most Christian festivals, the origin of Valentine’s Day also lies in the pagan Rome. In ancient Rome young men and women used to celebrate this festival where the women would write love letters and throw them in a huge pot. Then the men would choose their partners through lottery and would court (relationship before marriage) the girl whose letter came in their hands. (Webster’s family encyclopedia). According to the encyclopedia this festival has no direct or indirect link to the life of Saint Valentine (269 A.D). To make Christianity more popular and acceptable among the pagan masses, the Christian clergy added this festival to Christianity by celebrating this day as Saint Valentine’s Day. The myths regarding Saint Valentine giving his life for the sake of love and others are all false. WHERE DO WE ST...
3 comments
Read more

محرومی سے پیدا ہونے والے منفی رویے

محرومی سے پیدا ہونے والے منفی رویے: محرومی، انسانی زندگی کی ایک حقیقت ہے اور اس حقیقت کو جتنا جلد سمجھ لیا جائے اُتنا ہی جلد انسان ترقی کی منازل طے کرتا ہے۔ اس کو نا سمجھنے سے جو رویے انسانی شخصیت کا حصہ بنتے ہیں وہ بہت ہی زہریلے ہوتے ہیں جنھیں آج کل ٹوکسیسیٹی یا ٹوکسک بی ہیویرز کہا جاتا ہے۔ یہ زہر مقدار میں تھوڑا بھی ہو مگر وقت کے ساتھ ساتھ مہلک اور جان لیوا ہو جاتا ہے۔ اسی لئے بروقت سدباب اور چینلنگ (channeling ) بہت ضروری ہو جاتی ہے۔ محرومی کی وجوہ اور علامتوں پر ہم بعد میں غور کریں گے ۔ سب سے پہلے یہ جاننا ضروری ہے کہ محرومی انسان پر منفی اثر کب کرتی ہے۔ جی یہ ممکن ہے کہ محرومی انسان کی طاقت بن جائے مگر یہ بھی ممکن ہے کہ یہ اُس کی تباہی کا سبب بن جائے تو دراصل محرومی محض ایک حقیقت ہے جس سے پنپنے کے طریقے اس بات کا تعین کرتے ہیں کہ یہ مثبت ثابت ہوگی کے منفی۔ اگر انسان اس سچائی کا کلی ادراک کرلے کہ محرومی مخلوق کا مقدر ہے اور یہ کہ تمام قسم کی محرومیوں سے پاک صرف ربِ کائنات کی ذات ہے تو پھر رویوں کا رخ خود بخود درست نہج پر چل پڑتا ہے ۔ توحید پر ایمان اس بات کا متقاضی ہے کہ...
2 comments
Read more

On Cue:

On Cue:  Reality and illusion .............................................. When the Pharoah challenged Prophet Moses (AS) to a contest of power with his best magicians Allah actually revealed to humanity the reality of deception and the fallibility of human vision and perception.  He assured Moses (AS): (20:68) We said to him: "Have no fear; for it is you who will prevail. (20:69) And throw down what is in your right hand; it will swallow up all that they have wrought. They have wrought only a magician's stratagem.  A magician cannot come to any good, come whence he may. ” In the dicipline of psychology there is a phenemenon labelled as the “phi   phenomenon” or simply put a visual closure. It explains the natural response of human vision to a visual stimuli. The response lasts longer than the stimulus thus extending the actual experience. The co ordinated movment of lights on a dance floor or the continuous flicker of bulbs in a string of decoration lights of...
Post a Comment
Read more