Raising strong Muslims.

A mother's quest:

These are trying times for the Muslim ummah. Raising Muslim children in this age of fitan is not an easy task, especially when the fitan is of bloodshed and confusion. Unfortunately, being a Muslim is not that simple anymore. War and economic deterioration has made it difficult to follow Islam even in Muslim countries while many different issues have made it difficult in the West. This makes a parent’s job harder than ever. 

The relationship between child and parent, is such that the choices we make for our children can be decisive in building their character. Since these are times when the Muslim ummah is in need of strong and productive people more than ever, what better way to do that than to raise children with strong characters filled with iman, tolerance, integrity and patience?

We need to remember that children are a trust as well as a trial from Allah (subhanahu wa ta’la) for their parents in particular and society at large. They are like seedlings. Tawakul, dua, patience and a lot of hard work goes into nurturing these seedlings. The fruit of all that hard work is something which benefits generation after generation of nations so trying our best to bring them up should never be taken lightly.

Connecting with Allah

Renew your connection with Allah and then help your children do the same. Teaching them to rely on Allah (subhanahu wa ta’la) is the first and the most vital step. Ask Allah for his guidance and protection. Do not limit your ibadah to salah. Show your children that indeed Islam is a way of life by trying your best to follow it all the time. The best example can be found in our Prophet’s (sallahu alaihi wasallam) life, and the first thing everyone noticed about him was his excellent character.

Never underestimate the power of dua and your connection with Allah (subhanahu wa ta’la). Indeed it is only Him who can help us and our children and make our efforts successful so we need to focus on His instructions and reassess our aims in life. Are we heading in the right direction? Are we living and doing what Allah asked us to do? Having a higher purpose in life gives one direction and everything falls into place. 

Repel evil with what is better

Parents lose patience with their children and treat them as something or someone they own. If they treat their children like an amanah (trust) and a trial then their patiencewill increase and they can practice what Allah says in His Book.

“Good and evil deeds are not equal. Repel evil with what is better; and then you will see that one who was once your enemy has become your dearest friend.” (Al Quran: 41:34)

If children are rude or answer back, the best way to deal with them is to be polite and patient. Avoid using negative and discouraging statements even in anger. For example if they have broken something or created a mess, use neutral statements like “ I see a big mess here” or “Who can help me clear this mess”. When they are upset over something which was actually their fault you can use statements like “I understand” or “it must be painful”. Blaming or accusing will just put them on the defense and make it difficult to communicate. The integrity and compassion we show in our behaviour will automatically be transferred to our children.

Make dua to Allah constantly for their hidayah and let them know in a matter of fact way that their behavior hurts you, without scolding them. This can be done by staying firm about what is acceptable and what is not acceptable to Allah. In the meanwhile keep attending to their needs, and reciting surah falaq and surah naas to yourself to avoid losing your temper and to your children to free them of the influence of shaitanand anger. 

Encourage them to be hard working

With technology making life easier every day, we have become used to ease and leisure and so have our children. The inclination to get up and actually do something with ourbodies is getting less frequent every day. Reading books or playing outside has been replaced by iPads, computer games and cartoons. Most entertainment opportunities for children make them more passive rather than active. Easy excess to everything like toys, junk food, clothes, shoes and other accessories has made parents and children greedy, and greed makes children less willing to share and give. Sadly we see that parents save up and work hard to make life easy for their children, to buy them stuff they never had themselves, but the very same children have no regard for their parents’ hard work or sacrifice when they grow up. Parents are naturally devastated and wonder what went wrong. 

Let setbacks be their teacher

Children can never value hard work and sacrifice unless they themselves have done it. The best gift a parent can give to a child is to make that child a productive hardworking human being and that cannot be achieved with pampering. Many great people who have achieved much, have had hard lives even as children. Our beloved Prophet Muhammad (sallahu alaihi wasallam) was orphaned at a very young age and had to help his uncleby shepherding sheep and goats. 

Develop their sense of responsibility

Giving children responsibilities at a young age is not wrong at all; in fact it makes them feel more confident and nurtures their creative powers. Let young children knead the dough with you when they ask or let them cut the fruit. Teach them how to hold a pair of scissors and a knife and supervise. Make it a habit to appreciate boys and girls who help around the house without being asked to. Let them ask questions, then search for the answers with them. Let them learn, and learn with them. Don’t give them crutches to hang on to, give them wings so they can fly on their own.

Reduce their exposure to technology

If we reduce our exposure to TV and the computer, we automatically reduce our children’s exposure too. Spend time with your children reading books and making things. Make these things your priority. Your children are worth it. Sometimes even the sisters involved in dawah and Quran classes tend to leave their responsibility to the maids, grandparents or worse, the TV and computer. Prioritising can help us balance everything in life. 

“Many things we need can wait. The child cannot. Now is the time his bones are formed, his mind developed. To him we cannot say tomorrow, his name is today,” says Gabriela Mistral, a noble prize winning Chilean poetess and educator.

Help them deal with pain and disappointments

Don’t forget to guide your children at the time of their suffering and pain. Make a habit of reciting surah Falaq and surah Naas to yourself and your children especially when you want to talk to them. These things take patience and time. A parent’s presence and empathy is of great importance during times of suffering and pain. At the same time it’s important to remember that if the child has had a dispute with a sibling or a friend or has faced unjust behavior or feels envy for something he or she doesn’t have, one should not go running to comfort them. Don’t try to provide them with what they long for. Trying to lessen the pain by complying with their wish and satisfying their desire is not beneficial. Just showing that you feel their pain is enough.

Teach them to get closer to Allah in times of pain. Don’t try to make it easy for them, let them struggle. This will make them stronger as a human being. Just be there as the best role model that you can be so that they know who to share their pain with if they ever need to. Tell them how our Prophet (sallahu alaihi wasalam) had the worst trials in life but was still the most positive of people.

Read the Quran with your children, even if it is a single ayah and discuss their understanding of it related to their lives and day to day events, so when they face difficult times they know who to turn to. Building their reliance on Allah (subhanahu wa ta’la) in times of difficulty is of the utmost importance to make them strong Muslims.

Presence not praise

Latest research shows that lavish praise is not the right way to encourage a child. Rather, an active presence is all they need because lavish praise destroys their sense of motivation. In The Examined Life: How We Lose and Find Ourselves, psychoanalyst and University College London professor Stephen Grosz writes that doling out empty praise is in a way similar to the way an earlier generation doled out thoughtless criticism. “If we do it to avoid thinking about our child and her world, and about what our child feels, then praise, just like criticism, is ultimately expressing our indifference,”he says.

The mother of the Nobel Prize-winning economist Joseph Stiglitz, told Grosz of her teaching methodology which makes a lot of sense in this regard. She says, “I don’t praise a small child for doing what they ought to be able to do. I praise them when they do something really difficult — like sharing a toy or showing patience. I also think it is important to say “thank you”. When I’m slow in getting a snack for a child, or slow to help them and they have been patient, I thank them. But I wouldn’t praise a child who is playing or reading.”

In conclusion I would say simple lifestyles and strong characters make capable and strong human beings. Simplicity nourishes creativity. We should always remember that the choices we make as parents today will affect our future. Neil Postman, an American author and educator could not have phrased it better when he said, “Children are the living message you send to a time you will not see”.

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